“The pursuit of…

Quote

“The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.”

~Albert Einstein

So forget the networking, planning, preparing, stacking my dreams higher. I’m accepting that I’m shaken, and rebuilding starting from ground zero. Before I can be a badass earth-saver, I need to be a gentle, happy, grounded human being that can stand on her own two feet.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence…And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

~Desiderata

Breathe. That’s all you need to do.
(Thanks Schandelle for the quotes, always)

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Crampin my style

In my head I dance through life.  And life is the host that changes dance floors and music whenever it pleases. Everyone in this world is dancing with me, in this room or another, and we each find our own style & groove to whatever part of the music that resonates with us. Eventually, we become more comfortable with ourselves while learning more moves, and finding new people to dance with.

And if I dance through life, dating is like finding the ideal dance partner. Of course, someone catches the eye, and if things work out the little compromises lead to a great partnership that makes the experience better for both. And both styles work together, but are different enough so each learn from the other. And I had the privileged to experience that for a few months.

Recently my music changed to a new tune that I haven’t heard before, and I got scared. Instead of tuning in to feel this new beat, I started reacting too much to my dance partner. I lost confidence. I lost my own style. I lost my sense of give and take. I became possessive, passive-aggressive, and looked to other people for reassurance that I was dancing the “correct” way. I became so focused on being a good dance partner that I forgot how to dance on my own.

Whoops.

So, your jennytang is dancin free and solo for a while to learn a new life beat. And man, I am so so excited to experiment and make a fool of myself once again. And on one glorious day I’ll be able to work it like this guy- seriously, watch and weep in admiration:

YAH.

The end of an era, HoytHoytHoyt! (A bit late)

This is a journal entry I wrote at around 2am at my last day before move-outs. Ahem… Excuse the cheesiness and broken sentences. I miss ya’ll. Sometimes I wish I can go back, but I know you are all still here and a phone call or walk away. ❤

//

Over a year ago, I walked into this room broken, in pain, withing nothing to lose, and what got me up in the morning was the thought that “welp, no amount of failure can possible hurt as much as that.”

Look at us now, 5 couchsurfers, 21/19 units, a boyfriend, bean bags, postcards, and a chibi-me all have come and gone.
I learned to not take myself too seriously. I learned that emotions are fickle.
More importantly, I learned that believing that I can matters more than actually knowing that I can.
What’s even more powerful is that for the first time in my life I felt Validated.

I was taught that I was loved, that I am loved, and oh, how sweet and scary that taste can be.

thank you, for the wine, roof, food, and infinity massages. The heart-to-heart talks and teaching me the only way I can be alone is by diving in the side of my head that’s called logic.
For teaching me that conversations can make the best books,
that the intimate outsider’s perspective can be the most valuable compass in life.
That I have a net, and all i need to do is have the faith to fall. to TRUST. that the net genuinely wants to be there and care about me.

for teaching me how to unclog sinks, mix grout, to fix shelves, and fix myself.
To love this house despite the cracks and history– to love myself despite the complexes and baggage.
and understand that some parts are meant to be fixed, while others are meant to be accepted.

I have been the most blessed person in the world.
Thank you, Hoytians. May the growth and love continue.

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HoytHoytHoytHoytHoytHoytHoytHoytHoytHoytHoytHoyt.
Always and forever, your handywoman.

Dropping marbles, with thanks

tumblr_mu7zlwdaKV1qj88eoo1_500Hey ya’ll,

From the looks of it, October may one of the most ridiculous months ever.
Between crazy-intense work and new life changes, marbles dropped, tossed, rolled, smashed and shot.
And I am so, so so thankful that I have a crowd that hold my hand so make sure I don’t step on them and fall on my ass.

So a thanks and sorry for the hilarity that’s going to be October. You know who you are.
jennytang in Austin, up and out.

And for the first time in a while

Senses muted
head down
let these lessons your fears drown.

eyes forward
deep breaths now
once again you’re safe and sound.

for now you chase nothing but hopes and dreams
and you’re heart’s no longer ripping its seams
for once and finally- you are free
hearing nothing but pounding feet
and with each step–your soul redeem.

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Distant Thoughts

The concept of distance is a strange thing. 

There is a physical distance, like space. Is space registered in the brain like an entity or a lack-there of sensory input? What is far away if you can hear it as if its 4 inches away, smell it, and feel its resonating heat so close that you restrict your movement for fear of bumping into it? Only then to open you eyes and realize that it is actually 10 feet away. What if that sensory disjuncture happened to you?

Something even trickier is emotional distance. Inspired by Bonnie’s post, I realized that some relationships need to be enforced through physical presence, words, etc. Others you can not speak or mention of each other for months but still talk as though following up on yesterday’s conversation. Sometimes distance is felt by only one party, often being the person pulling away. And of course, others run away because they feel suffocated. What exactly is feeling “close” to someone? What is feeling distant? More than conversations, commonalities, attraction, or trust. Perhaps feeling “close” is the magical result that truly is more than the sum of its parts. Channels of human bonds have been on my mind for a while, and I would love to hear your thoughts. .

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a happy jennytang is a sheep

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