I guess someone from above saw my sadness and decided…

to give me a few orgasmic “I love my life” moments.

Tuesday. I end class at 5, decided to go out on a run because the day was 60 degrees and absolutely clear. Like, see the golden gate bridge and the Pacific beyond clear.

I decided to hit the firetrails, but on my way up I saw a old basketball hoop on cement on the side. With some dirt trails leading away in the back up the mountains- so I went up and explored.

Hiking up, I found the swing up on the mountains, someone sitting there. I turned a shared a look of a miraculous bay, and decided to leave her alone.

Wandered some more. found a slightly sloped clearing among the trees, and sitting there all alone baby-pink sofa chair with a background hill of prairie grass and yellow daisies. The chair was facing the most perfect angle of the clock tower, the bay bridge, and the far off clouds letting rays of light poke through. There I was, surrounded by the woods, grasses gently blowing in the breeze, looking at the most beautiful side of a place called home.

And I did a little jumping dance surrounded by awesomeness. 🙂

Continuing up the trail, I found the big C, and there were a group of graduate students sharing a cigarette and some beer. I asked them where they’re from and they said Peru, Mexico, Brazil, and Thailand. I decided to join their little group- they studied in College of Natural Resources as well, and was in the graduate Agricultural Resource Economics department. And somehow they knew the grad student that I randomly had lunch with a year ago!

Next thing I knew, 2 deer walked over to our left, and nibbled on nearby grass. And old man with a walking stick slowly over, bowed down in gratitude that we had garbage bags and are picking up after ourselves, and told us the history of the Big C. After that, he walked back down the hill, singing to himself.

So there i was, passing a bag of Dorito Munchies, drinking Mexican beer, overlooking a view like this.  With deer. And foreigners from all walks of life with hearts also set on saving the environment. Oh, and did I say a view that looked exactly like this?

I passed the old man singing to himself and I ran down the hill to dinner. I stopped and asked him for his name–Leonard.

This is my life. And it is wonderful.

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Breakdown and regrowth

I like to think of cycles, I think they have their beauty, they have their starts and finishes that continue on.

They put the word “closure” into context, they allow one to recognize the end of a cycle, to take that end and begin something new. To not leave any open frazzles disconnected from the rest of your life. To be able recognize that section in life for what it is, and work with it to make something new.

All of freshman year was a struggle, beginning of sophomore year was a period of growth.
End of sophomore year was a collection of hurt and frustration, leading to the best 6 months of my life.

“Theres beauty in the breakdown” as tumblr loves to say.
I think the beauty comes from finally being humble enough to allow the world flow through you, the pain to hit where it needs to hit, break what it needs to break, and prepare yourself for further growth.

To give your life some holes, to allow better things to fill them, or allow something inside yourself to grow out of them that you never thought you had.

and one more thing: my falls made me realize I have a net under me called my friends. I felt their support for the first time- I would have never trusted them as much if I didn’t have all these weak moments.

and If the breakdowns are windows for me to see how wonderful my friends are, the regrowth is an opportunity for me to make new ones. Pearce Edwards- if you’re reading this you know what I’m taking about. To pull someone up along with me as I start to see life in a brighter light. To use my momentum to give others a push.

And this is how I grow, I guess. And this is why you entered my life. Now go- your new friends are waiting for you. 
And to my own friends: I love you all. Thank you for being here to support me.


(In case you’ve ever forgotten. You swore that this time your feelings are different, more mature and rooted deeper. With that I am thoroughly impressed how effortlessly truth can shrivel to lies.)


Song and Story Night.

ImageHey, I love you.

You were the bone of my being
I mean, I owed my dreams to you!

But now, as I look deeper into your eyes
and read into your decisions
I’m not so sure who you are anymore.

When souls are sold for stocks,
and pride and prudence for progress,
“The conquered are fighting back”–they say
as they tread on the lives of the rest

You instilled in me a work ethic,
a care for camaraderie
an identity rooted in humility, respect and honesty.

and I–took it all in.
Saluting the crimson and yellow on the cracked asphalt field.
7 years old, 7 in the morning.
and my red fluttering from my chest
matching yours,
vowing my love and loyalty.

At 18 i set my dream in saving you.
your rivers, your skies, your mountains.
(So that the calligraphy paintings
and the Tang and Song dynasty poems
can still be physically felt with the words of reciters.  )
(So that there might be just one thing
you can publicly praise
that you have not destroyed.)

Even though my eyes are set on the renewing green,
the gears inside me are painted red.
and I sit here,
as the regretting orphan who discovered the truth.

Hey you.
I really miss you. But you scare me now.
I miss your ideals–remember the time
where society was able to hope in the collective spirit as god?
Your faith was so strong.

Where did that part of you go?
Did it die?

…did it exist in the first place?

or

was it just a honeymoon banner chant–
to feed the fools, the young,
the naive?

Image

To be completed before Aug 2013.

As I am cramming though a freshman Physics class or a midterm tomorrow, I suddenly got the idea that I want to make a

College Scrapbook,

A real, tangible item of printed photos! taking pictures of everyone and everything that shaped my 4 years.

In other words, please don’t delete your facebook photos of events with me! Or, after this midterm season I will simply steal every photo that I like of Berkeley. Watch out photographers.

An even better warning: Watch out Anna Torey Kawai Eugene Jonathan Bonnie Kim Crystal Theresa Jason Jeff Kevin Teresa Evelyn Ashley Ben Kevin Kevin Kevin Kevin Kevin (:P), and all you other lovely people, you guys are making your mark. 🙂 Permanently!

Anyone want to do it with me? Or, Make sure I follow through with this project?! We’ll keep each other in check!

now that my (mass * velocity) is dispersed. I better put some impulse back into it.

 

Peace,

Jenny